YEA!!

O.K. I did it and I'm proud I did it!! I weighed in last night and would you believe I lost 3 lbs!! The lady that weighed me in told me how well I was doing she said to expect a 1 lb lost each week. She said since I missed last week then I was well on target. The leader gave me a bookmark for coming back. She said it was for putting stickers on when I get stickers. HEY, I like getting stuff. I thought that was silly but if it works it works.

I stayed for the meeting. The leader discussed crazy hungry and over stuffed. She said we should eat in the middle of the two. Eat when you first start feeling hungry and stop for a few minutes after you eat half of your food. If you decided you are satisfied or no more hungry pains, then stop but if not eat half of what is left and repeat the process. Now I have to admit this sounds simple enough but I had never thought of it. I usually wolf down as much food as I can and 30 minutes later I don't even remember what I ate.

She also talked about and the other members discussed how to recognize physical hunger. I honestly am not sure I've ever experienced it. This week I'm going to

• wait until I feel physical hunger
• make healthy choices
• slow my eating down and actually taste the food
• eat half, wait, assess if I'm still hungry, if so, eat half or all if necessary.
• eat until satisfied not stuffed (this will be a major victory)

She also talked about how core foods can help fill up us and keep us full longer. Great meeting.

Thanks to all of y'all for hanging in here with me. It means more than I can verbalize. Consider yourself hugged. Have a great day.

Monday Monday How I dread that day.

Good Morning!!! With a lot of excitement is how I greet people when I enter the office. Usually what I get in return is a handful of grunts. Why is it that people have such a distaste for Monday? For me it is the beginning of another frantic work week of which I have absolutely no interest what so ever. Isn't that a terrible thing to say? I'm sure you are reading this and thinking "she should find another job". Well, maybe you are right but I like what I do and I've been with this company a long time. It has good benefits as far as insurance and retirement go. God be willing I'll live long enough to appreciate the chunk that comes out of my paycheck for retirement. Well so much for that.

I don't have a lot to post about. My weekend was quite and I believe I made good eating decisions. I am definitely going to weigh in tonight.

I've been following along with JC on the 100 Day Challenge even though I'm not officially following it. I like to read her cliff note version of the book as I read the book. The book makes some good points but I just can't do that much soul searching right now.

Well I need to get busy. I'll let you know how it goes tonight.

CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE

Have you ever been caught in the middle or put in an awkward situation. Makes me nuts!!!! There are three of us (church friends) that lead a small group. Well, we (I) took the summer off for several reasons. Mainly, I was just tired. The group met at my house so I felt responsible for everything and I was the only one that didn't miss a meeting. It is time for small groups to start meeting again for the fall for 10 weeks. One of the other three has agreed to host the group in her place of business which is more centrally located. I'm kinda out in the country. The other one suggested we do a Beth Moore study, however, when it comes right down to it, where the rubber mets the road, it is me that will be shelling out over $200 for materials. Now I'm not really keen on this idea but I know her studies have to be good. I've read several of her books. My deal is that although the others say they will help purchase the study materials, I will have a hard time getting the money out of them. Been there done that on books for the last study. However, I have now strayed away from my point.

My awkward situation is, another friend told me that she has used those studies in her small group. Well, the women that help me suggested I contact her and see if we could borrow her materials. I didn't want to do this but I did. Just as I figured, she has reservations about lending them out but she will think about it. I understand completly where she is coming from. I've lent out many books, tapes, etc over the years never to see them again.

There are plenty of other studies out there that are just as good but will require me to put in more effort to lead the group (because, I'm the one that winds up doing it) as far as time in study goes and to be honest with you. I don't have a lot of time right now at year end. You may be asking why the church doesn't provide the materials. The answer would be, it is easier to pull a tooth than get resources, besides if we pay for it, we don't have to have leadership approval. HUM. I just realized how that sounds. Oh, well, here I am ranting. But, really have you ever been put in such a situation?

Last night's weigh in didn't happen. I found that the meeting was futher away than I thought and in an area I didn't want to go. However, today has been a good eating day and I'm determined to make good choices this weekend.

So Far So Good

When I calculated my points last night it wasn't all that bad I went into the weekly bonus by five points but today is a new day.

The luncheon when well. I order what I set out to order and took my dressing. I was concerned that someone would question my dressing but those around me were busy with other things when the salad arrived so I just put it on and it looked like their ranch dressing so no question. I had a smoothie (3 pts) for breakfast. I'm counting lunch at 12 because I did eat a few chips with salsa (Mexican rest). I still have points for dinner so far so good.

I think I'll go walk the mall before going home. I read somewhere that any exercise is better than no exercise. I decided this morning to park five space further from the door. I know that is only like five steps but maybe tomorrow I'll park 10 spaces further out.

Still haven't decided to go weigh tonight I may just wait until next Monday. Then again, I might I'm feeling pretty good about myself right now.

I FORGOT

My boss' birthday. Her 40th birthday. It was a hectic day as usually so I hid out in my office as best as I could but around 3:30 pm she appears at the door. In her hand are two huge pieces of birthday cake. I realized immediately what I had done. She of course was concerned about me because I had been so quite for the last couple of days (she knows what I have been doing no secret there). She just decided to bring me a piece of her cake and have a snack with me. Well she is the size of a straw and eats crap all the time. How she does it I don't know. I'm secretly hoping it will catch up to her in the next 15 years when she is my age but I don't plan on hanging around to watch her butt spread. She is o.k. as far as bosses go but I hate being evaluated by someone who is so much younger. Sometimes I get the "I don't want to hear how it was done back in the day" look and then there is the "Oh Lord when will she retire" look. Yes, I ate the cake but I had done really well up to the point.

In order to save face, I chirp, "how about you letting me take you to lunch tomorrow." Thinking she would give me a list of things more demanding of her attention but she said she would love that!!!!!! So, we have just returned from O'Charley's. I looked at Dottie's site before I went and decided on a house salad, lite honey mustard dressing on the side and a cup of potato soup 11 points tops. That is what I did. It make such a big difference deciding before hand. She didn't question my selection; she got the same thing. However, I ate a roll, had it in my mouth before I even thought. I counted it 3.5 pts for one roll!!!!! It was so good. I still have some points for dinner.

Thanks all of you that left comments yesterday. I stuck a writing pad in my purse so I can scribble what I wrote as soon as I can rather than waiting until I get home. I'm remembering it is one day at a time. Tomorrow is another business luncheon. It is at a local cafe and we will be ordering from the menu. I found some salad dressing in individual serving pouches so I'm going to stick one of those in my purse so I'll know exactly what I'm putting on the salad I'm planning on having.

I gotta plan and I'm going to work it.

WAY OFF

Picture me with a sad and embarrassed face. I didn't go weigh in last night and I haven't posted in a couple of days. WHY!?!? You ask. Because I have gotten so far off course. Sunday was a great day for old me but not so much for the new me. I was invited out after church with several old ladies (me included) and I ate like I always ate. At the time it didn't even occur to me not to!!! Red Lobster, did I eat baked or grilled fish, NO. I'm not even going to list all I ate because well you can just figure it out for yourself but no veggies were included.

Sunday night what I did hit me when I realized I had not written down anything I ate that day and I realized that Monday was weigh in.

Monday was a stressful work day so I had a huge lunch because I had weighed Monday morning and was up like five pounds so I was so discouraged I figured why bother.

Now I admit this is twisted and sick thinking but this has been my thinking for a long, long, long time. I spent Monday after work in tears. Today I'm trying so hard to get back on track. This is my greatest challenge and always has been. Things are hectic at work and it seems like every button that can be pushed in me is by some idiot. Anyway, I'm posting at 12:09 p.m. to clear my mind instead of rushing out for all the food I can find.

I brought my dining out guide with me so I can figure out what I will have for lunch before I go. I've settled on Chic-fil-a, chargrilled ck salad with FF honey mustard dressing and a Coke Zero around 7 points total.

I checked the WW website and found the WW meets on Thursday night so hopefully I'm determined to go to meeting and weigh in.

Market Day

Not a lot to report today. I ran errands and bought groceries. I became somewhat overwhelmed with trying to make decisions about what to buy. Previously I would just throw whatever is quick and easy into the cart and go on.

I have to fess up and admit that I ate badly today and I'm really disgusted with myself for it. I did fine this morning but at the grocery I got a plate from the deli of honey bbq boneless chicken wings (Chucks of fried breaded chicken with honey bbq sauce), sweet potatoes and some kind of peas (not the green ones). However, I did freeze all the chicken except for 5 nuggets which I ate. No idea how many points to count so I'm just saying it was the rest of today's points. Breakfast was only 3 points, snack/lunch was 2. Hopefully, I'll not get hungry and will not graze the rest of the night. I've had two not so good days this week but I'm hopeful that tomorrow and Monday will be good.

Have a great rest of the weekend.

TGIF

After my rant last evening, I am better. Today was busy at work. Same ole; same ole. I went to Target after work and just walked the isles I figured that would be better than nothing in the way of exercise. Nothing is what I'm accustomed to. Food wise I did pretty well. I made a list for the grocery store tomorrow but I need some advice.

I'm torn between buying fat free or low fat or just regular food. What do you do? Part of me says just buy what you like, eat it in moderation or less and add veggies & fruit. The diet Nazi me says, fat free or low fat everything.

Hopefully I'll stay on track this weekend. I don't usually eat much on the weekends it is the work week (work stress) that sends me running for food. On weekends, I just don't think that much about eating.

Well, that is it for now. Sorry it is boring but your advice is appreciated.

Have You Ever.....

Have you ever got to thinking about an event or situation that happen years ago and ticked yourself off for even thinking about it?

Today was another busy day at work and honestly I think I did o.k. food wise but I'll have to really think about it later. I'm posting now to keep from eating everything in the kitchen that resembles food.

On the way home, for no apparent reason, well, there was a reason but it happened yesterday and too long to go into. Sorry I'm rambling. On the way home today, I started thinking about a work situation that came up years back and long since over. Said situation almost cost me my job because I was falsely blamed for saying something about someone I didn't say. Well, I was investigated by the company's internal affairs department for months. The complaint could not be proven so it was dropped. Now over the years the people involved have left the company I work for except for two. Yesterday one of these two decided for no apparent reason to be friendly to me a company meeting. I was cordial but I really wanted to tell her to drop dead. Isn't that awful??? I'm rambling again. As I was allowing myself, to relive that incident, I just became very ticked off. I surprised myself because I honestly thought I had put the whole crappy mess behind me. For heaven's sake, it is over, I won. My accusers were made to look like idiots so why am I even concerning myself with it now. Their opportunities for advancement are non-existent.

I feel guilty for harboring the feelings I feel for these two old broads (co-workers). I call myself a Christian!! But, I don't feel very Christlike when it comes to my thoughts toward them. I don't wish either of them any ill will. OH, who am I kidding. I wish them both ill will. If neither of them existed, I don't think it would brother me at all. My gosh how awful is that!!! So, instead of blowing off the whole thing, I drove through McDonald's and got an ice cream cone (3 pts). I RAN TO FOOD over something that happen years ago. Grant it I didn't buy bags full of burgers & fries and wolf them down on the way home but still...

I'm trying to figure out what I am really feeling because I know that it will only be by confronting my emotions that I may be able to break this cycle. The running to food cycle. Was I physically hungry - NO. Now I'm feeling like this uncontrolled person that I don't know and don't like.

I'm thinking the reason I'm having these feelings is that I never got an apology. I guess in some part of my mind I thought that these two would eventually realize what they have done and apologize. That hasn't happened and it isn't going to happen. So how do I move past it??? Any suggestions? Really, I am interested in knowing if any of you have had or are having issues like this. How did you deal?

WHAT IS A GIRL TO DO????

It seems that since Monday night all H_ _ L has broken loose at work. I have no one to grip at when I get home so I found myself griping to myself. To many deadlines, not enough help, stupid boss, dumb co-workers, and I will not even get started on office machines. All of that isn't true, my co-workers are not dumb, they just do and say dumb things and my boss isn't stupid all the time.

I didn't have the best of eating day Tuesday because I thought a Zaxby's salad would be a good choice. I was wrong!!! Almost my entire day's worth of points in one salad. Today is better because I used that dining out guide to help me. I decided first what I would get and got it. Of course the day is not over and my house is not cleared out of snack food. But, according to a girl at work she said she actually counts out 15 potato chips, if that is what she wants, and counts the points. She has a family so she doesn't keep separate food for herself.

Now on some level I know they said Monday night we don't have to buy special foods and all that but in my head I'm still thinking I have to clear my cabinets of bad food. I have a lot to learn. As for the 100 Day Challenge, it will just have to wait until I can get WW program into my head.

So far, I haven't binged in two whole days. I know that sounds stupid but it isn't. I so want to eat everything in site.

Hope all of you have had a great Wednesday.

BABY STEPS

O.K. I went to WW last night even though I almost didn't. It was Monday for heaven's sake!! I was tired from work. I didn't want to meet new people; just to get a cold shoulder or disgusting glance. However, what kind of whinny would I be, if after all my proclamation I didn't go. Knowing I was going to rejoin and thus, have to keep a food journal. I ate yesterday like a crazy woman because this is what I do. Enough whining.

I went and it wasn't all that bad. When I have gone before the workers seems disinterested in another person and the leaders were well, old and crabby ( Drill Sargent types). Let me tell you I was met by one of the most pleasant young women I have ever met. She turned out to be the leader. The weigh-in person didn't glare at me like I was a waste of her time. Best part, I don't weigh as much as I thought. Yes, 226 is a bunch but not near what I was expecting. Many people spoke to me and as I looked around I saw people my size and some larger.

I don't remember exactly what the meeting was about but I remember the kindness and enthusiasm of the leader. Apparently when you lose 5 lbs you get a sticker, the leader makes a big deal of it and asks the person getting the sticker how much they have lost and how they did it. I was amazed at how many have lost a lot. One lady about my age said she had lost 50 lbs over the last year, another was 40 over the last 6 months so I guess it just depends on a lot of factors.

After the meeting, the new people stayed and the program was explained. Right now I have several goals. One from my doctor, he wants me to get below 200. WW says to concentrate on 10% to start with and long term goal of 137. My personal goal is 123 but I don't know why I came up with that number. I admit I was overwhelmed by the time I got home last night but in a good way.

I didn't do any work on the 100 Day Challenge. To much stress just send me to food so I'll work on that this afternoon.

JC thanks for not giving up on me; I know your my soul sister.

Deborah thanks for coming by and leaving your encouraging comments and tips. You are a true blessing.

Everyone have a great Tuesday.

TEN REASONS WHY

I feel like a late night talk show host listing my 10 reasons why I want to reach and maintain my goal weight but this is my first assignment of the 100 Day Challenge. Actually it is an assignment before the first day. Honestly I don't know if I can come up with 10 reasons but here goes.

1. To be healthy.
2. To be strong, physically, mentally and emotionally.
3. To get off medications for blood pressure and cholesterol.
4. To become visible; I feel invisible now. People look around me rather than looking at me. If I didn't show up for work, no one would notice.
5. To improve the way I feel about myself. It is hard to love others when you don't love yourself.
6. To change my self talk; to stop seeing myself the way I think others see me because I really don't know how they see me. Others probably don't really care enough to have an opinion about me one way or the other.
7. To do activities that either I can't do now or will not do now. I make up excuses for not attending social events because I'm uncomfortable.
8. To let the person I'm meant to be out.
9. To shop for regular size clothes. This is something I have never done.
10. To make new friends with healthier lifestyles.

Thank you Deborah and Cammy for coming to visit. I can't express to you how grateful I am that you took time out of your day to visit and leave such warm and helpful comments. I'm amazed at how much better I feel just being in contact with someone that understands my struggles. I admit I'm nervous about weighing in tomorrow. After reading your comments, I think I am less likely to chicken out.

Oh and JC, what can I say. I love you my friend. Thanks for your encouragement and for talking me through how to do the linky thing.

It has been a good food day and I walked around the yard today. Baby steps, I know but still steps.

Since I did the 10 reasons today, I'll start with the first assignment tomorrow.

MY VERY FIRST POST

HELLO EVERYONE IN BLOGGERSPACE!! Is there such a word as Bloggerspace? I must admit I'm in very unfamiliar territory. However, a friend encouraged me to blog. She said it would help me on my weight loss journey, to write about what is going on with me. Since, according to her, there are a lot of people with my same issues.

I've never know what it is like to be a normal size not even as a child but now I'm over 50 and maybe my best years are behind me but I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I've tried so many times in the past but I never reached out to anyone else.

I have over 100 pounds to lose. I'll leave it at that. I can't bring myself to post my weight tonight. I'm going to start back to Weight Watchers this coming Monday. My secret which isn't a secret at all is that I'm a binge eater. I do fine for a while but then it is as if I become another person. A person I don't know, understand, or like but she is me and I suffer the consequences of her actions.

If there has ever been a book about emotional eating or dieting of any kind, I have it on my bookshelf. Today while looking for something, I don't recall what, I found a food journal from 2001. I've been on and off diets (Weight Watchers three times) for the last 40 years.

The same person that recommended I blog also gave me a book "100 Days of Weight Loss" by Linda Spangle so I'm going to be working on that book while doing Weight Watchers.

I know I have emotional issues that I must deal. I'm coming up on another birthday, which is just another reminder that I am getting old, no children, no husband, just alone. I don't want to sound sad or pitiful but I decided on 8/8/8 to get honest and be honest with others so there you have it. You whoever happens up on this blog.

I know my past failures must not affect my future so even though I have a long way to go, I'll just take it one day at a time. One hour at a time if I have too. Your help in the way of comments and letting my know you care will be so appreciated.