Friday, September 26, 2008
I'm now staying with some church friends because I realized I don't need to be alone right now. See I fell in the bathroom and have some nasty bruises. I just lost my balance trying to maneuver with this cast. I feel like an idiot!!! I don't know about you (or if your alone) but it is very hard for me to ask for help so when I do you know I'm at my wits end. I fell on Monday morning so I didn't make it to weigh in. I called and cancelled WW until I'm back in my own environment. Right now I'm eating whatever the family is eating but I am trying so hard to eat less.
The family I'm with has teenagers so they are at the football game tonight. Oldest is in the band. They got me settled in with the a laptop and the TV. I assured them I would be fine. For the most part I have been fine but the fall really scared me more than hurt me. I'm going to make the most of this window of opportunity to visit some of y'all and then watch the debate.
I'm so happy the debate is going on as planned. Well, I don't know when I'll post again but I will return as soon as possible.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
You know, just when I get in a pit and ready to throw myself a pity party, someone comes along that is in worse shape than I am. That is how last night and today have gone. I don't mean to dump this stuff on you but it is either post/dump it or eat so there you go.
I received an email from my sister in another city that another sister's daughter in law miscarried yesterday. What a bummer? My nephew and his wife married later in life and had a baby 10 months ago but want another child and wanted to have them close in age. Personally I think they are nuts for wanting to do that but nevertheless, I'm not the one having them or raising them. We all rejoiced over the 1st baby, a boy. We rejoiced over the 2nd baby to be announcement and now we are heartsick over what they are going through. I guess I thought this news was the final straw for me or maybe it was the pain pills but I cried and cried and cried as if I couldn't stop. This morning I looked like "who would have thought it". I drug my sleepy, swollen eyed self out of the bed and proceeded to pull the trash bag over my cast, secure it, shower, get ready for work but I was late and I just didn't care. I think if my boss had said one word or looked sideways at me I would have just lost it. However, she was out of town and the only co-workers that paid any attention to me were supportive ones.
A friend called and wanted to have lunch, she sounded down and said she needed to talk. I explained my leg/cast and driving ordeal and told her I just didn't feel like going to a restaurant but if she wanted to pick something up we could eat in our conference room. I knew with the boss gone no one would be using it. I didn't think she would go for that idea but she did. She brought us both really great taco salads (with chicken fajita meat). I did not eat the shell. We caught up a little bit. I asked about her family and OMG I could have ripped my own tongue out. The look on her face I can't even describe, then the tears started to flow. She is getting a divorce from her husband of 38 years. Do I even need to go into the details? You can probably figure those out for yourself.
Now I'm single and if I ever get the urge for companionship, I remember my friends and family members divorces. UGH!!
By the time the day was over and I got home I was/am exhausted and wanted to eat everything in the kitchen. Luckily, there is nothing in the kitchen that isn't healthy and I didn't have the energy to go out and get binge/fast food.
WHEW!!! I feel such a release just now.
I suppose journaling does work. I don't have all this bottled up inside me now.
I have a tendency to fret about things I can't to anything about. Of course, no one is wanting or expecting me to do anything for them not my nephew or his wife and not my friend. My friend just needed to know I care about her and will be there to listen. I sent my nephew and his wife a thinking of you through this difficult time card. I don't think I would want to be talking to a lot of people, if I were her. I'll call my sister this weekend after she settles down some. Since she didn't call me directly, she must be handling it as best as she can.
Thanks blog buddies for hanging in here with me.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
This is my step forward part, after my Monday night binge, I've done pretty well eating wise. Thank you so much for all your encouragement. Mary Fran put it very directly in telling me not to start over tomorrow but to start over right then. Good advice. I feel much better just being able to voice (write) what is going on with me and not being condemned. Y'all knew just what I needed to hear (read).
Here is my step back part. Remember I mentioned twisting my ankle. Well, it continued to hurt really bad and stayed swollen so I went to the doctor yesterday, who did Xrays. Bottom line he found a hairline fracture in my foot!!!! I have a cast on my leg up to my knee for the next 6-8 weeks!!! Bless his heart, he did put a boot like heel thing on the bottom so I can get around with a cane, no crutches. He could take one look at me and tell I could not manage crutches. Talk about a challenge (not in a good way), dealing with this and driving are a hoot so is bathing (got to put my leg in a trash bag and duck tape it closed around my knee. Don't even try to picture it. Now I'm wondering how much this dang cast weighs. It feels like a ton. On the up side, I do have some mighty fine pain killers.
Of course all I want to do is eat and eat and eat some more but knowing that I can write about my woes may help me keep in control of the eating. Hope y'all are having a great day. I'm doing lunch at my desk and waiting to be brought a salad (not from Chik-fil-a JC) so I'll go for now.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Have you ever had a day that it didn't matter what you ate you were still hungry? I don't mean just wanting to eat to make yourself feel better about something but really hungry? Well, today was one of those days. Knowing I would be weighing tonight I did well food wise. But, on the way home I needed something from Dollar General and while I was there I bought regular sour cream Pringles. Then I drove thru Arby's and got not one but two ArbyQs. I came home and ate them both and the entire can of chips. I'm so sick right now, physically and in spirit. Why did I do such a stupid, stupid thing??? OMG they were so good. I could have had them, just not so much.
It is binge mentality, if there is such a thing. I was doing really well, I haven't binged since starting WW. I don't know why I did it. I'm not more stressed than usual. I'm disappointed that I'm not losing more but then I seldom stick completely to the plan, I use those 35 extra points. However, the weigh in ladies assure me that I'm doing well. I know I'm not getting enough exercise. I started walking then turned my ankle last Thursday so I'm not doing that now. How does one turn their ankle, just walking to one's car in a paved parking lot. I'm thankful I didn't fall but the my ankle hurt terribly for a few days. It is still swollen and purple.
You would have thought if I was going to binge it would have been when I hurt my ankle. There you go blog buddies, I've lost my mind and don't know where to find it. Maybe, I'll be able to put this behind me and start over tomorrow. I hope so.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Our leader talked about portion control and about the need to measure. She said if we want chips, fine but measure out 1 oz or whatever the serving size is don't just assume you know what an oz. looks like. One lady said she loves the low fat Pringles and can and has eaten the whole can but she now counts out the number the can says is a serving and puts them in baggies so they are ready to grab in the morning. Good idea but would require some planning.
She talked a lot about zero point foods. Basically eating a bunch of zero points does become points at some time. She gave the example of the 10 calorie Jello packs. One is zero points but three are 1 point. Well, I don't know about you but I could eat five of those without even thinking about it.
WW has started a Lose for Good food campaign. For the next six weeks WW will donate one lb of food for each pound its members loses up to 1 millions pounds of food. I thought that is pretty cool. We were given a chart to put on our ref to keep up with our pounds. The leader said if we wanted to participate personally to contribute 1 lb of food for each pound we lose. Bring it the last night and she will take it to a charity that distributes food. I think this will be good motivation for me to stay on track for the next few weeks. I came home and got a can of beans out of the pantry to represent the pound I lost last week.
Well, don't have anything else to report, work is OMG busy. No time to visit blogland. For some reason I am expected to work! Imagine that. Year end will soon (9/30) come and go, life will return to normal by the end of October. I hope.
Monday, September 8, 2008
Update on the small group study materials. I mentioned it to the people that order stuff for the church and they gave me the run around. They said I would have to submit a proposal to the board and junk like that. The next working day. I sent an email to both of them and copied it to the associate pastor who had told us the church could get materials for us. I was very nice but very direct. I got a call today telling me my material for the small group study are in. I'm right happy with myself. Of course in the course of the conversation I was told I would have to return the leaders guide when I was finished with it. I didn't need to be told that but I guess it made the girl feel better to tell me anyway.
Gotta run. Hope ya'll had a great weekend. I'll try to post tomorrow with my WI results.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Work is crazy with drawing close to fiscal year end and beginning a new cycle so work is really all I can focus on right now.
I do need some advice. I was in a business meeting with a man that I've known several years. I meet with him about once a year. Well, our meeting was over, we shook hand and then he winked at me and called me "hun" as in honey. He has never done this before and I was so shocked I didn't have a comeback. I don't think he meant anything by it but good golly Gertie I do think it was inappropriate. What do you think? How would you have handled it? Or, would you just chalk it up to "stupid old fart" and let it go? Let me know.
I'll try to get visiting soon.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
I stayed for the meeting. The leader discussed crazy hungry and over stuffed. She said we should eat in the middle of the two. Eat when you first start feeling hungry and stop for a few minutes after you eat half of your food. If you decided you are satisfied or no more hungry pains, then stop but if not eat half of what is left and repeat the process. Now I have to admit this sounds simple enough but I had never thought of it. I usually wolf down as much food as I can and 30 minutes later I don't even remember what I ate.
She also talked about and the other members discussed how to recognize physical hunger. I honestly am not sure I've ever experienced it. This week I'm going to
- wait until I feel physical hunger
- make healthy choices
- slow my eating down and actually taste the food
- eat half, wait, assess if I'm still hungry, if so, eat half or all if necessary.
- eat until satisfied not stuffed (this will be a major victory)
She also talked about how core foods can help fill up us and keep us full longer. Great meeting.
Thanks to all of y'all for hanging in here with me. It means more than I can verbalize. Consider yourself hugged. Have a great day.
Monday, August 25, 2008
I don't have a lot to post about. My weekend was quite and I believe I made good eating decisions. I am definitely going to weigh in tonight.
I've been following along with JC on the 100 Day Challenge even though I'm not officially following it. I like to read her cliff note version of the book as I read the book. The book makes some good points but I just can't do that much soul searching right now.
Well I need to get busy. I'll let you know how it goes tonight.
Friday, August 22, 2008
My awkward situation is, another friend told me that she has used those studies in her small group. Well, the women that help me suggested I contact her and see if we could borrow her materials. I didn't want to do this but I did. Just as I figured, she has reservations about lending them out but she will think about it. I understand completly where she is coming from. I've lent out many books, tapes, etc over the years never to see them again.
There are plenty of other studies out there that are just as good but will require me to put in more effort to lead the group (because, I'm the one that winds up doing it) as far as time in study goes and to be honest with you. I don't have a lot of time right now at year end. You may be asking why the church doesn't provide the materials. The answer would be, it is easier to pull a tooth than get resources, besides if we pay for it, we don't have to have leadership approval. HUM. I just realized how that sounds. Oh, well, here I am ranting. But, really have you ever been put in such a situation?
Last night's weigh in didn't happen. I found that the meeting was futher away than I thought and in an area I didn't want to go. However, today has been a good eating day and I'm determined to make good choices this weekend.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
The luncheon when well. I order what I set out to order and took my dressing. I was concerned that someone would question my dressing but those around me were busy with other things when the salad arrived so I just put it on and it looked like their ranch dressing so no question. I had a smoothie (3 pts) for breakfast. I'm counting lunch at 12 because I did eat a few chips with salsa (Mexican rest). I still have points for dinner so far so good.
I think I'll go walk the mall before going home. I read somewhere that any exercise is better than no exercise. I decided this morning to park five space further from the door. I know that is only like five steps but maybe tomorrow I'll park 10 spaces further out.
Still haven't decided to go weigh tonight I may just wait until next Monday. Then again, I might I'm feeling pretty good about myself right now.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
In order to save face, I chirp, "how about you letting me take you to lunch tomorrow." Thinking she would give me a list of things more demanding of her attention but she said she would love that!!!!!! So, we have just returned from O'Charley's. I looked at Dottie's site before I went and decided on a house salad, lite honey mustard dressing on the side and a cup of potato soup 11 points tops. That is what I did. It make such a big difference deciding before hand. She didn't question my selection; she got the same thing. However, I ate a roll, had it in my mouth before I even thought. I counted it 3.5 pts for one roll!!!!! It was so good. I still have some points for dinner.
Thanks all of you that left comments yesterday. I stuck a writing pad in my purse so I can scribble what I wrote as soon as I can rather than waiting until I get home. I'm remembering it is one day at a time. Tomorrow is another business luncheon. It is at a local cafe and we will be ordering from the menu. I found some salad dressing in individual serving pouches so I'm going to stick one of those in my purse so I'll know exactly what I'm putting on the salad I'm planning on having.
I gotta plan and I'm going to work it.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Sunday night what I did hit me when I realized I had not written down anything I ate that day and I realized that Monday was weigh in.
Monday was a stressful work day so I had a huge lunch because I had weighed Monday morning and was up like five pounds so I was so discouraged I figured why bother.
Now I admit this is twisted and sick thinking but this has been my thinking for a long, long, long time. I spent Monday after work in tears. Today I'm trying so hard to get back on track. This is my greatest challenge and always has been. Things are hectic at work and it seems like every button that can be pushed in me is by some idiot. Anyway, I'm posting at 12:09 p.m. to clear my mind instead of rushing out for all the food I can find.
I brought my dining out guide with me so I can figure out what I will have for lunch before I go. I've settled on Chic-fil-a, chargrilled ck salad with FF honey mustard dressing and a Coke Zero around 7 points total.
I checked the WW website and found the WW meets on Thursday night so hopefully I'm determined to go to meeting and weigh in.
Saturday, August 16, 2008
I have to fess up and admit that I ate badly today and I'm really disgusted with myself for it. I did fine this morning but at the grocery I got a plate from the deli of honey bbq boneless chicken wings (Chucks of fried breaded chicken with honey bbq sauce), sweet potatoes and some kind of peas (not the green ones). However, I did freeze all the chicken except for 5 nuggets which I ate. No idea how many points to count so I'm just saying it was the rest of today's points. Breakfast was only 3 points, snack/lunch was 2. Hopefully, I'll not get hungry and will not graze the rest of the night. I've had two not so good days this week but I'm hopeful that tomorrow and Monday will be good.
Have a great rest of the weekend.
Friday, August 15, 2008
I'm torn between buying fat free or low fat or just regular food. What do you do? Part of me says just buy what you like, eat it in moderation or less and add veggies & fruit. The diet Nazi me says, fat free or low fat everything.
Hopefully I'll stay on track this weekend. I don't usually eat much on the weekends it is the work week (work stress) that sends me running for food. On weekends, I just don't think that much about eating.
Well, that is it for now. Sorry it is boring but your advice is appreciated.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Today was another busy day at work and honestly I think I did o.k. food wise but I'll have to really think about it later. I'm posting now to keep from eating everything in the kitchen that resembles food.
On the way home, for no apparent reason, well, there was a reason but it happened yesterday and too long to go into. Sorry I'm rambling. On the way home today, I started thinking about a work situation that came up years back and long since over. Said situation almost cost me my job because I was falsely blamed for saying something about someone I didn't say. Well, I was investigated by the company's internal affairs department for months. The complaint could not be proven so it was dropped. Now over the years the people involved have left the company I work for except for two. Yesterday one of these two decided for no apparent reason to be friendly to me a company meeting. I was cordial but I really wanted to tell her to drop dead. Isn't that awful??? I'm rambling again. As I was allowing myself, to relive that incident, I just became very ticked off. I surprised myself because I honestly thought I had put the whole crappy mess behind me. For heaven's sake, it is over, I won. My accusers were made to look like idiots so why am I even concerning myself with it now. Their opportunities for advancement are non-existent.
I feel guilty for harboring the feelings I feel for these two old broads (co-workers). I call myself a Christian!! But, I don't feel very Christlike when it comes to my thoughts toward them. I don't wish either of them any ill will. OH, who am I kidding. I wish them both ill will. If neither of them existed, I don't think it would brother me at all. My gosh how awful is that!!! So, instead of blowing off the whole thing, I drove through McDonald's and got an ice cream cone (3 pts). I RAN TO FOOD over something that happen years ago. Grant it I didn't buy bags full of burgers & fries and wolf them down on the way home but still...
I'm trying to figure out what I am really feeling because I know that it will only be by confronting my emotions that I may be able to break this cycle. The running to food cycle. Was I physically hungry - NO. Now I'm feeling like this uncontrolled person that I don't know and don't like.
I'm thinking the reason I'm having these feelings is that I never got an apology. I guess in some part of my mind I thought that these two would eventually realize what they have done and apologize. That hasn't happened and it isn't going to happen. So how do I move past it??? Any suggestions? Really, I am interested in knowing if any of you have had or are having issues like this. How did you deal?
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
I didn't have the best of eating day Tuesday because I thought a Zaxby's salad would be a good choice. I was wrong!!! Almost my entire day's worth of points in one salad. Today is better because I used that dining out guide to help me. I decided first what I would get and got it. Of course the day is not over and my house is not cleared out of snack food. But, according to a girl at work she said she actually counts out 15 potato chips, if that is what she wants, and counts the points. She has a family so she doesn't keep separate food for herself.
Now on some level I know they said Monday night we don't have to buy special foods and all that but in my head I'm still thinking I have to clear my cabinets of bad food. I have a lot to learn. As for the 100 Day Challenge, it will just have to wait until I can get WW program into my head.
So far, I haven't binged in two whole days. I know that sounds stupid but it isn't. I so want to eat everything in site.
Hope all of you have had a great Wednesday.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
I went and it wasn't all that bad. When I have gone before the workers seems disinterested in another person and the leaders were well, old and crabby ( Drill Sargent types). Let me tell you I was met by one of the most pleasant young women I have ever met. She turned out to be the leader. The weigh-in person didn't glare at me like I was a waste of her time. Best part, I don't weigh as much as I thought. Yes, 226 is a bunch but not near what I was expecting. Many people spoke to me and as I looked around I saw people my size and some larger.
I don't remember exactly what the meeting was about but I remember the kindness and enthusiasm of the leader. Apparently when you lose 5 lbs you get a sticker, the leader makes a big deal of it and asks the person getting the sticker how much they have lost and how they did it. I was amazed at how many have lost a lot. One lady about my age said she had lost 50 lbs over the last year, another was 40 over the last 6 months so I guess it just depends on a lot of factors.
After the meeting, the new people stayed and the program was explained. Right now I have several goals. One from my doctor, he wants me to get below 200. WW says to concentrate on 10% to start with and long term goal of 137. My personal goal is 123 but I don't know why I came up with that number. I admit I was overwhelmed by the time I got home last night but in a good way.
I didn't do any work on the 100 Day Challenge. To much stress just send me to food so I'll work on that this afternoon.
JC thanks for not giving up on me; I know your my soul sister.
Deborah thanks for coming by and leaving your encouraging comments and tips. You are a true blessing.
Everyone have a great Tuesday.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
- To be healthy.
- To be strong, physically, mentally and emotionally.
- To get off medications for blood pressure and cholesterol.
- To become visible; I feel invisible now. People look around me rather than looking at me. If I didn't show up for work, no one would notice.
- To improve the way I feel about myself. It is hard to love others when you don't love yourself.
- To change my self talk; to stop seeing myself the way I think others see me because I really don't know how they see me. Others probably don't really care enough to have an opinion about me one way or the other.
- To do activities that either I can't do now or will not do now. I make up excuses for not attending social events because I'm uncomfortable.
- To let the person I'm meant to be out.
- To shop for regular size clothes. This is something I have never done.
- To make new friends with healthier lifestyles.
Thank you Deborah and Cammy for coming to visit. I can't express to you how grateful I am that you took time out of your day to visit and leave such warm and helpful comments. I'm amazed at how much better I feel just being in contact with someone that understands my struggles. I admit I'm nervous about weighing in tomorrow. After reading your comments, I think I am less likely to chicken out.
Oh and JC, what can I say. I love you my friend. Thanks for your encouragement and for talking me through how to do the linky thing.
It has been a good food day and I walked around the yard today. Baby steps, I know but still steps.
Since I did the 10 reasons today, I'll start with the first assignment tomorrow.
Saturday, August 9, 2008
I've never know what it is like to be a normal size not even as a child but now I'm over 50 and maybe my best years are behind me but I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I've tried so many times in the past but I never reached out to anyone else.
I have over 100 pounds to lose. I'll leave it at that. I can't bring myself to post my weight tonight. I'm going to start back to Weight Watchers this coming Monday. My secret which isn't a secret at all is that I'm a binge eater. I do fine for a while but then it is as if I become another person. A person I don't know, understand, or like but she is me and I suffer the consequences of her actions.
If there has ever been a book about emotional eating or dieting of any kind, I have it on my bookshelf. Today while looking for something, I don't recall what, I found a food journal from 2001. I've been on and off diets (Weight Watchers three times) for the last 40 years.
The same person that recommended I blog also gave me a book "100 Days of Weight Loss" by Linda Spangle so I'm going to be working on that book while doing Weight Watchers.
I know I have emotional issues that I must deal. I'm coming up on another birthday, which is just another reminder that I am getting old, no children, no husband, just alone. I don't want to sound sad or pitiful but I decided on 8/8/8 to get honest and be honest with others so there you have it. You whoever happens up on this blog.
I know my past failures must not affect my future so even though I have a long way to go, I'll just take it one day at a time. One hour at a time if I have too. Your help in the way of comments and letting my know you care will be so appreciated.